Sunday, July 12, 2009

With Some Trepidation...

Well, I have all the paperwork in and sent it to the CPS worker. Friends have told me that they have received and are filling out questionnaires about me and my home to send back to the agency.
Generous friends have given me a bunk bed frame and I've spent (in my opinion) more than a little money buying mattresses, sheets, comforters and the like. In fact, I've spent a bit of money to get my house inspected and making it safe: smoke detectors in all the bedrooms, fire extinguishers, $75.00 fee to the Fire Marshall etc..then there's getting CPR/First Aid certified, finger printed $$$! I'm a naturally frugal person and so I've gotten a little disgruntled at the money I've been spending. Yes, I'm someone who stresses about finances. Maybe because for so many years as a freelance musician, I had to live on the edge. Even now, with a stable job, being a single mom who receives no outside financial support I feel sometimes as though I'm just living paycheck to paycheck. Maybe that's normal, I don't know.
I just remind myself that what is going on here is more important than my sense of financial security. Can I imagine the lives some of these children are living and really decide they're not worth it? Isn't that rather like all those religious leaders who passed by the man broken and bleeding on the side of the road because it just wasn't convenient? Am I a good Samaritan or a pharisee? God is my provider. If I'm doing His will by seeking to foster/adopt then He will bless my endeavor. As long as I'm being a good financial steward and spending my money how the Lord wants me to then everything is going to be all right.
I've been reading other blogs from people who have adopted and the challenges they are facing. Part of me thinks, "Lord, don't give me a child like that". The other part is reminded that God will not give me or my son anyone that is beyond our ability to care for. He is completely and minutely involved in my life and that includes the process of fostering and adopting children. God works in and through our lives with purpose. Nothing God plans is random or haphazard. Even though whatever child/children He brings into our lives will have its challenges I also know that God has promised to equip us for everything that happens.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5,6.

I know that life will be irreversibly changed after bringing more children into our lives. I remind myself that I felt the same way when I was pregnant with Derek. I'd never been pregnant before and I knew that my life was about to radically take a turn. The unknown was scary. Looking back, however, I recall that first year with Derek as one of the happiest years of my life. There was so much joy and excitement! Before I had Derek I was afraid because I knew I couldn't live only for myself anymore. So much independence and freedom would be gone. Now I can't imagine life without him. The days before my son was born are almost a kind of dark ages. Not that I wasn't happy, I just am so glad he's here.
Fostering children isn't going to be exactly the same thing, but I believe that, if this is God's will, it is going to be better than anything I can imagine. I'm still nervous-rather like when I was waiting to go down that steep slide at Hurricane Harbor where it seems as though you just drop off the edge and free fall-I am holding God's hand. He is walking alongside us and everything is going to be exactly according to His purpose.

"When we walk with the Lord
in the light of His word
what a glory He shines on our way.
When we do His good will
He abides with us still
and to all who will trust and obey."

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